winter days always kill me - jan 20th, 2012

It’s been cold lately, bone chilling cold. Winter days feel so constricting to me, do they to you? They seem to slow things down, make you turn inward, think a lot, take stock.
The other night when the moon was fat and full, I couldn’t sleep, so I lie awake wrestling with thoughts and questions:
Am I going to be able to pay my bills?
Can I stay healthy?
What if it all comes crashing down?
Do I have a plan B?
Am I happy?
See, I hate that. I think happiness is forgetting that you’re not really happy, so I don’t want to waste time considering whether I am or not. To me, the secret of life is cultivating an ignorant bliss. You learn to acknowledge whatever happens to you – briefly – but you don’t own it. You grok it, then cover it with sand as quick as you can and pull yourself right back into the present instant – the wonderment of right now.
Only, I feel like I’m a quart low on wonderment right now.
Then, on the other side of things – if happiness is just a state and you try not to consciously own it, how can you appreciate and enjoy it?
I’ve always loved that Colette quote “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I had realized it sooner.”
So which is it? What’s it going to be? Do I think about it or not?
Winter days always kill me. I just have to wait them out.