winter days always kill me - jan 20th, 2012
![](/phpthumb/phpThumb.php?src=%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F01%2Ffirst-day-winter-full-moon-snow-tree-walk.jpg&w=450&h=252&zc=C&hash=889988b9aa35ea2c5767a5528377ad4d)
It’s been cold lately, bone chilling cold. Winter days feel so constricting to me, do they to you? They seem to slow things down, make you turn inward, think a lot, take stock.
The other night when the moon was fat and full, I couldn’t sleep, so I lie awake wrestling with thoughts and questions:
Am I going to be able to pay my bills?
Can I stay healthy?
What if it all comes crashing down?
Do I have a plan B?
Am I happy?
See, I hate that. I think happiness is forgetting that you’re not really happy, so I don’t want to waste time considering whether I am or not. To me, the secret of life is cultivating an ignorant bliss. You learn to acknowledge whatever happens to you – briefly – but you don’t own it. You grok it, then cover it with sand as quick as you can and pull yourself right back into the present instant – the wonderment of right now.
Only, I feel like I’m a quart low on wonderment right now.
Then, on the other side of things – if happiness is just a state and you try not to consciously own it, how can you appreciate and enjoy it?
I’ve always loved that Colette quote “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I had realized it sooner.”
So which is it? What’s it going to be? Do I think about it or not?
Winter days always kill me. I just have to wait them out.
Archives
- April 2021
- July 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- November 2019
- October 2019
- August 2019
- January 2019
- November 2018
- July 2018
- April 2018
- April 2017
- September 2015
- June 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- April 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010